Sunday, December 30, 2012
Grateful
This year I could focus on the bad or I could focus on the good I've had my fair share of both in my life this year. The beginning of the year started with a phone call/text about 11:45p.m NYE Grandpa died shortly the next a.m I've had B.S from the people I thought were in my corner but more then anything I found out my why's my ups my downfalls my hardness on myself I am in love and it drives me wild. I am scared of it at moments but I am thrilled by it as well. Feels amazing Believe I'm going to spoil my Granddaughter something crazy and put all my energy into her. I am in the beginning of my own family, I pray for clarity and that I remain open minded, and don't be one of them people who is so .... well not sure the word I am looking for but bitter about new beginnings would be as close to what I mean that I could say. I am thankful for breath for life for smiles for being able to be surprised and happy. I love you life I am coming home to enjoy this time today and now
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Our first Christmas
So I am not sure what we will do exactly and how we will start our own tradition as I know we both have big family's and I want to make sure he does what he would love to do on the holidays.
I love our tree and how it looks so amazing. I can see him and I through all the colors and designs - we are both colorful and beautiful :)
I love our tree and how it looks so amazing. I can see him and I through all the colors and designs - we are both colorful and beautiful :)
Great taste
I love the taste he has; so darn adorable. I love that we both can imagine what the other loves
My pink sweater
The other day it was so sweet; I wasn't expecting anything but lately has been a lot of surprise.
I find that we are so much alike it's crazy. In a good way though. We both love to do for one another and I think that if we can't at any given moment we feel awful about it. Poor us :(
Aw I love having someone love me it's a great feeling
I find that we are so much alike it's crazy. In a good way though. We both love to do for one another and I think that if we can't at any given moment we feel awful about it. Poor us :(
Aw I love having someone love me it's a great feeling
Healthy Relationships
Healthy Relationships
Communication is a key part to building a healthy relationship. The first step is making sure you both want and expect the same things -- being on the same page is very important. The following tips can help you create and maintain a healthy relationship:- Speak Up. In a healthy relationship, if something is bothering you, it’s best to talk about it instead of holding it in.
- Respect Your Partner. Your partner's wishes and feelings have value. Let your significant other know you are making an effort to keep their ideas in mind. Mutual respect is essential in maintaining healthy relationships.
- Compromise. Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships, but it’s important that you find a way to compromise if you disagree on something. Try to solve conflicts in a fair and rational way.
- Be Supportive. Offer reassurance and encouragement to your partner. Also, let your partner know when you need their support. Healthy relationships are about building each other up, not putting each other down.
- Respect Each Other’s Privacy. Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to share everything and constantly be together. Healthy relationships require space.
10 Habits of Happy Couples
What does it take to be happy in a relationship? As I sit back and look at what made us happy; I see why were often so happy but also see what I sometimes forget in the heat of the moment.
I found that I would sometimes have all the best intentions ideas and thoughts in my mind but we find at times we are human and human nature sometimes is to do what we've always done.
Never give up on true love -
1. Go to bed at the same time (I almost could smack myself when I think logically. I love being in my huns arms)
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn't wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.
2. Cultivate common interests (we do amazing here)
After the passion settles down, it's common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don't minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.
3. Walk hand in hand or side by side (i love this about us)
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it's more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode(I believe I'm making this my default mode more and more)
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can't resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong(today tomorrow and always)
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work(love hugs)
Our skin has a memory of "good touch" (loved), "bad touch" (abused) and "no touch" (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the "good touch," which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.
7. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day" every morning(love this about us)
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.
8. Say "Good night" every night, regardless of how you feel(taught a very long time ago)
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.
9. Do a "weather" check during the day(ha ha how many times do we not see how excited our partner is about something)
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you're more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.
10. Be proud to be seen with your partner(Love this in couples and I believe we have this)
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact -- hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.
Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a habit. So I know I need to look at this everyday and each month maybe touch up here or there to keep the smiles going.
I found that I would sometimes have all the best intentions ideas and thoughts in my mind but we find at times we are human and human nature sometimes is to do what we've always done.
Never give up on true love -
1. Go to bed at the same time (I almost could smack myself when I think logically. I love being in my huns arms)
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn't wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.
2. Cultivate common interests (we do amazing here)
After the passion settles down, it's common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don't minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.
3. Walk hand in hand or side by side (i love this about us)
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it's more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode(I believe I'm making this my default mode more and more)
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can't resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong(today tomorrow and always)
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work(love hugs)
Our skin has a memory of "good touch" (loved), "bad touch" (abused) and "no touch" (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the "good touch," which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.
7. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day" every morning(love this about us)
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.
8. Say "Good night" every night, regardless of how you feel(taught a very long time ago)
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.
9. Do a "weather" check during the day(ha ha how many times do we not see how excited our partner is about something)
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you're more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.
10. Be proud to be seen with your partner(Love this in couples and I believe we have this)
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact -- hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.
Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a habit. So I know I need to look at this everyday and each month maybe touch up here or there to keep the smiles going.
Sometimes your hurt feelings hurt others
Sometimes I think we forget that we meaning you and I or we all in the world have the choice to deal with our hurt and our feelings our own way but sometimes you forget that you being hurt or being down could hurt someone else. Kind of like a hurt puppy; you'd want to fix it. Well if someone loves you then they will want to fix you. We all know we can only fix ourselves so be whole be you so that way the ones you love don't get hurt thinking they don't make you happy enough in this life.
Learn to be receptive of that gift.
Love is a gift.
You can't buy it, you can't find it, someone has to give it to you.
You can't buy it, you can't find it, someone has to give it to you.
Relationships
The secret to a long-lasting relationship is remembering that the best thing to hold onto in life is each other.
Don't settle for a relationship that wont let you be yourself.
The amazing thing about life is that you choose what you allow in it, you choose how things affect you, you choose how you react. Happiness is a choice. So Make the right one....
No matter what you do in life, never settle for less and get desperate by submitting yourself to something that feels good for the moment. Self-entrapment is the primary tool of negative influence. Let your previous experiences and prior learning curves keep you at a fine balance. Your desperation will only set you up for an upset and an unbearable disappointment. Control your life through your dependence on God and your own independence and you won't need additional legs to help you stand up to life's greatest challenges.
It is much wiser to walk away in silence then to speak the negative words in and on your mind. Once you unleash your words from out of your mouth, you cannot retract them, nor prevent them from entering into another set of ears. The process of your perception is already in motion. Use your wisdom to be the lever that gives stability to your humble attitude.....
Sometimes people lie because they know the truth will hurt you. What they fail to get is, it hurts MORE to know your not worth the truth...
I am flirting with destiny, courting my promise, committing to my purpose, honey mooning my future and marrying my calling.
The person that you need in your life is the one that is not afraid to admit that they needs you in theirs.
Your relationship goal should not be to find someone who makes u happy, but rather to be happy first, then attract someone into your life who encourages u to express your happiness without inhibition
"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"
The only person that deserves you... is the one that thinks they don't. the one that'll stick by your side... no matter how much you mess up. and the one who will forgive you... mistake after mistake...
3 things you should want in a relationship
1.) Eyes that wont cry,
2.) Lips than wont lie,
3.) And love that wont die.
Don't settle for a relationship that wont let you be yourself.
The amazing thing about life is that you choose what you allow in it, you choose how things affect you, you choose how you react. Happiness is a choice. So Make the right one....
No matter what you do in life, never settle for less and get desperate by submitting yourself to something that feels good for the moment. Self-entrapment is the primary tool of negative influence. Let your previous experiences and prior learning curves keep you at a fine balance. Your desperation will only set you up for an upset and an unbearable disappointment. Control your life through your dependence on God and your own independence and you won't need additional legs to help you stand up to life's greatest challenges.
It is much wiser to walk away in silence then to speak the negative words in and on your mind. Once you unleash your words from out of your mouth, you cannot retract them, nor prevent them from entering into another set of ears. The process of your perception is already in motion. Use your wisdom to be the lever that gives stability to your humble attitude.....
Sometimes people lie because they know the truth will hurt you. What they fail to get is, it hurts MORE to know your not worth the truth...
I am flirting with destiny, courting my promise, committing to my purpose, honey mooning my future and marrying my calling.
The person that you need in your life is the one that is not afraid to admit that they needs you in theirs.
Your relationship goal should not be to find someone who makes u happy, but rather to be happy first, then attract someone into your life who encourages u to express your happiness without inhibition
"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"
The only person that deserves you... is the one that thinks they don't. the one that'll stick by your side... no matter how much you mess up. and the one who will forgive you... mistake after mistake...
3 things you should want in a relationship
1.) Eyes that wont cry,
2.) Lips than wont lie,
3.) And love that wont die.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Love
Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.
I love the sweet side of him :)
Romantic love reaches out in little ways, showing attention and admiration. Romantic love remembers what pleases a woman, what excites her, and what surprises her. Its actions whisper: you are the most special person in my life.
I deserve real love
Real love does not have conditions or restrictions. It transcends all hurdles that may be encountered. Why would you not allow yourself to love in this way when it is clear that the benefits are so great?
Don't we all deserve this?
Don't we all deserve this?
Can you let go????????////////
At the risk of loosing my life to death from a heart attack or going into a depressed manic depression state because I am afraid of what can be .... is this what life is truly to me, fear of being hurt.
How can two people be afraid of what they both want and know how to give?
To not allow oneself to love fully and freely effectively creates a barrier to your full potential. It creates a wall between you and true happiness. You cannot become fully positively engaged in an intimate relationship unless you allow yourself to love unconditionally.
I'm praying God that you help me keep this promise to myself.
How can two people be afraid of what they both want and know how to give?
To not allow oneself to love fully and freely effectively creates a barrier to your full potential. It creates a wall between you and true happiness. You cannot become fully positively engaged in an intimate relationship unless you allow yourself to love unconditionally.
I'm praying God that you help me keep this promise to myself.
Never thought I could fear life
Life presents us with many challenges but there is one that truly stands out as being paramount. To live life fully and freely we have to find a way in which to face our fears and overcome them. If we do not find our way to doing this then our fears will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fear of loss is the main perpetrator of loss. Fear of not being loved is the main cause of not feeling loved.
How was I such a willful powerful nothing shakes me type of teenage girl but now I'm a women and fear everything?
How was I such a willful powerful nothing shakes me type of teenage girl but now I'm a women and fear everything?
Fear
Fear is what gets in the way of true love for a surprisingly large number of people. Fears come in many different shapes and sizes. Fear of not being loved in return, fear of getting it wrong, fear of rejection, fear of what other people think, fear or social ridicule, fear of ending up alone, fear of loss...and many variations of these themes abound.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Ruined me for you
Is it possible you could have ruined me for yourself...
Oh lord how do I get over this feeling
I have nothing of my own it feels like now on top of everything else ...
I feel so happy but he robbed my happy and little did he know he was my happy
I needed nothing else so now what ....
Oh lord how do I get over this feeling
I have nothing of my own it feels like now on top of everything else ...
I feel so happy but he robbed my happy and little did he know he was my happy
I needed nothing else so now what ....
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
God teach me to be silent
I just want to stop saying what hurts my feelings. I need smiles and to look ok.
When you hurt me; I try to stop loving you but can't.
Take this knife to my throat, cut me deep and watch me choke. Kiss my cheek and walk away. Then I'll use my last breath to say I still love you.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Hard Life Hard People Knife through Heart Feelings of never being able to fix it.
At 32 years of age I've had amazing times in my life and love life but if I go over it I've been hurt so bad and put down stepped on and expected to just be! However with the awful moments 2012 has had and with how hard of a year and all the tests I've been through; if I died right now at this moment.... well I would have died a happy women!
Thank you for this feeling -
“We walk alone through this world, but if we're lucky, we have a moment of belonging to something, to someone, that sustains us through a lifetime of loneliness.”
Thank you for this feeling -
“We walk alone through this world, but if we're lucky, we have a moment of belonging to something, to someone, that sustains us through a lifetime of loneliness.”
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
If I can smile
Let me smile! Please may I smile. Silly silly I am to overlook so much and swiftly you come in and say your sorry and moments later it's ruined because you need to push.
I'm okay if I say I am okay.
I'm irritated that you take the air I breathe by strangling me with reminders "that you don't listen to me"
To say your sorry is to be sorry and not to make the person feel less happy then before you said sorry.
If I can smile won't you let me?
I'm okay if I say I am okay.
I'm irritated that you take the air I breathe by strangling me with reminders "that you don't listen to me"
To say your sorry is to be sorry and not to make the person feel less happy then before you said sorry.
If I can smile won't you let me?
Hey you... yes you... yes me!
Compassion for yourself enables you to witness your feelings, thoughts, and actions with acceptance, caring, and understanding as you would when empathizing with another. Compassion is expressed with gentleness, tenderness, and generosity of spirit – quite the opposite of self-criticism, perfectionism, and pushing oneself. When most people are stressed, overwhelmed, or exhausted, they attempt to do even more, instead of caring for themselves. If you weren’t nurtured as a child, self-nurturing can be absorbed in therapy over time. You’ll learn to integrate the acceptance and empathy offered by your therapist. Self-compassion differs from self-pity, which is a judgment about your situation or feelings. Rather than acceptance and compassion, self-pity says, “It shouldn’t be this way.”
I need to remember that other's words don't define me! I am who I am and shouldn't feel compelled to say Sorry about that!
True happiness emanates from self-esteem, which is the cornerstone of successful relationships, work, and life. Self-esteem reflects how you treat and talk to yourself. If you’re a perfectionist, deep down you may not think you or your accomplishments are good enough. Although self-esteem can fluctuate with life’s ups and downs, high self-esteem helps you return to feeling okay. You don’t blame yourself or take others’ opinions personally. Healthy self-esteem allows you to honor and trust yourself, to meet your needs, and to live authentically in accordance with your values and feelings.
Your a Chominaaaaaa
I spoke on this once before but the words come springing loudly ...
as I recall the conversation of "he don't define you"
Years ago they were the words that set fourth a domino effect of courage. Maybe it's time I start to revisit the important people in my life and hold more conversations because it seems it is easier to process things when they are said out loud or when you hear someone else talking about something similar.
as I recall the conversation of "he don't define you"
Years ago they were the words that set fourth a domino effect of courage. Maybe it's time I start to revisit the important people in my life and hold more conversations because it seems it is easier to process things when they are said out loud or when you hear someone else talking about something similar.
As he spoke to me last night and the night before I was thinking about this same stuff in life:
We’re adults. We’ve got all the credentials and scars to show for it. … But a grown-up is supposed to possess himself, to be his own person, to make decisions according to his wishes and his best judgment.
Too often we find that this is not the case with us. Frequently we are so limited by habitual ways of acting and thinking, so needful of the approval of others, and so afraid of their disapproval that we don’t own ourselves at all. We are like a corporation that has gone public, and other people own controlling shares. And for many of us in that position, the biggest shareholders are our parents. [...]
The parent-child relationship is a primary source of who we are, and the mutual emotional attachments are derived from countless interactions, conscious and hidden memories, and profound feelings that go back to our days of oneness with them.
Time to revisit Life Coaching!
Coaching focuses more on looking forward: setting goals, discovering strengths, and living in such a way that you can find that "sweet spot" of being exactly where God wants you to be, using the strengths He's given you. All I can say is that it's going to be nice to be back behind the wheel of my life again!
Why do we dwell on the past????????
After something stressful has occurred it would be nice if we could leave it behind and move on with our lives. Sometimes we can. For example, you might narrowly miss getting sideswiped by another car, feel stressed in the moment, and then shake it off and move on with your day.
But often after we’ve encountered a stressful event, say, an argument with a spouse or an important presentation at work, we continue to ruminate (have repetitive, often negative, thoughts). These thoughts are not about active problem-solving; they are repeatedly chewing on and worrying over past events.
Why is it that sometimes we can let go of the things that stress us out and at other times, even after the event has passed and we know can’t change it or our response, we continue to be stuck thinking about it?
But often after we’ve encountered a stressful event, say, an argument with a spouse or an important presentation at work, we continue to ruminate (have repetitive, often negative, thoughts). These thoughts are not about active problem-solving; they are repeatedly chewing on and worrying over past events.
Why is it that sometimes we can let go of the things that stress us out and at other times, even after the event has passed and we know can’t change it or our response, we continue to be stuck thinking about it?
At this point, it is clear that God is speaking directly to me. To my circumstances. But He doesn't stop there . . .
“A great illustration of God’s plan is a trapeze artist. They swing out holding onto a trapeze bar, and then they let go in order to grab hold of another trapeze bar that swings them to the other side. But, at one point, they’re not holding on to any bar. They’re suspended in air for a split second.”
I’m living in that split second right now. I know that God is in control; that He’ll never let me fall. But He affirmed and acknowledged the terror of living in that split second.
Great Bible Verse
“Let nothing disturb you,?Let nothing frighten you,?All things are passing away:?God never changes.?Patience obtains all things.?Whoever has God lacks nothing;?God alone suffices.”
Affirmation
Sometimes it’s difficult to discern God’s direction during challenging times. Yet other times, God’s will is so crystal clear that it’s like a clarion call for those who are listening.
“You can cry, ain’t no shame in it. “
If you’re sad, express it. We’ve created ideas around crying today such that people repress themselves, which isn’t healthy.
Crying is a very natural thing for all of us. Don’t be ashamed about it just because you’re human.
Crying is a very natural thing for all of us. Don’t be ashamed about it just because you’re human.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Brusies are so dark
It's hard to believe that only seven months in he would take it that far. I was scared of him before but now I am so hurt at his words.
I feel like he hates me when he calls me names :(
2-11-2013 at 7 am originally posted
I feel like he hates me when he calls me names :(
2-11-2013 at 7 am originally posted
Angels? Am I my Mother?
Have you had a Angel grace your life?
I'm usually the Angel, the one that comes down and helps everyone.
I'm always getting it done.
It makes me feel so bad not to be able to DO MORE for people but truthfully honestly ....
what is hard is that for once in my life; I truly feel leveled ... grounded ... with all my eyes open seeing everyone but being so content in "ME"
I could die today and I will have changed a lot of lives, I will have went above and beyond, I will wish I was more there for my Son then anyone elses....
The irony behind all of this is ... I just got a huge news flash the other day....
I am my Mother... I am exactly how she was that drove me insane and hurt me so dam much. I felt like I was sitting there looking up saying "mom what about me?"
as she was the best Auntie in the world the greatest this and that .... but oh how I hurt inside. <st people in the world to talk too>>but when I was younger I felt like I had no one to talk to :( beacause I felt like everyone else had her.
What a crazy thing in the world - where I could type something out and feel I just had a paid hour of therapy. However my heart hurts... because I fear I may have made my Son feel the pain I felt so unintentional.
The only fear I have is that .... I well... I came around and gave moms a chance ... I'm sure I gave her some hell but I want him to love me like that little boy that once ran into my arms... see as tears RUN DOWN my face and as MY HEART pours out I truly wonder {will I get to be a Grandma the way I let my Mom be one}
I'm so scared of this thought, question and frightened and not a single soul knows it... I believe that I truly am not going to be able to enjoy my happiness until I mend what I know was broken. Did I blame my mom for DAD... yes i did....Did I blame mom for being HURT...yes i did...
but as i CRY i say inside my heart DEAR GOD ..... what if.....if.... we mimic it all except my forgiveness to my Mom and my opened up eyes that helped me see she needed me and needed to know I was okay with our relationship -- that I actually did that...in fact I miss my Mom when I don't speak to her or see her.
It hurts my heart that I can't do all that I was doing for her; for my Grandma... i mean ***to never check my balance because I was frugal but loved spoiling my family. Well if this was a video diary you would see tears all over my face, eyeliner running down in which I am sure makes my face - one hot mess.***leave it to me to lighten the mood change the subject or avoid saying to much of how I feel.
As I cry all by myself in the middle of the night because most nights... well most nights I can't sleep - not when I'm wondering how my Son is inside about me about us. He's my baby, I love my baby boy so much and it kills me to think he could possibly not feel it. My loves so powerful but feels so insufficient...
Dear God,
I'm so sorry for everything I"ve ever done in my life and asking you begging you praying to you, for my relationship with my Son. Don't let me die feeling as though I've meant nothing, done nothing that mattered in this world... please because ... no matter what I've done in this life nothing matters or will if my dream of being a Mother was a nightmare to my Son. I've never hurt so much in my life; I could go back and relive my awful molestations, rapes and never tell a soul if I could just get a second chance. As awful as them memories, thoughts and the pain was - I would truly bare it all for him.
I feel as though I always worry about not making someone else feel bad that i hold in my emotions. So for the first time in a very long time I am truly thankful for my gift of writing. I've truly missed writing over the passed five months and I think the only way I'm going to remain sain and release the pain in a healthy good way. I'm so use to having a place to run to and hide, run to and cry and not a single person would know it or see it... they would just see the happy me. Don't get me wrong... I'm happy and it's not a fake smile put on but deep down inside I'm hurting.
Please let me cry it out somehow someway ... I need to find that time to myself and write again, release again and get out my true deep down feelings....
Anonymously me
I'm usually the Angel, the one that comes down and helps everyone.
I'm always getting it done.
It makes me feel so bad not to be able to DO MORE for people but truthfully honestly ....
what is hard is that for once in my life; I truly feel leveled ... grounded ... with all my eyes open seeing everyone but being so content in "ME"
I could die today and I will have changed a lot of lives, I will have went above and beyond, I will wish I was more there for my Son then anyone elses....
The irony behind all of this is ... I just got a huge news flash the other day....
I am my Mother... I am exactly how she was that drove me insane and hurt me so dam much. I felt like I was sitting there looking up saying "mom what about me?"
as she was the best Auntie in the world the greatest this and that .... but oh how I hurt inside. <
What a crazy thing in the world - where I could type something out and feel I just had a paid hour of therapy. However my heart hurts... because I fear I may have made my Son feel the pain I felt so unintentional.
The only fear I have is that .... I well... I came around and gave moms a chance ... I'm sure I gave her some hell but I want him to love me like that little boy that once ran into my arms... see as tears RUN DOWN my face and as MY HEART pours out I truly wonder {will I get to be a Grandma the way I let my Mom be one}
I'm so scared of this thought, question and frightened and not a single soul knows it... I believe that I truly am not going to be able to enjoy my happiness until I mend what I know was broken. Did I blame my mom for DAD... yes i did....Did I blame mom for being HURT...yes i did...
but as i CRY i say inside my heart DEAR GOD ..... what if.....if.... we mimic it all except my forgiveness to my Mom and my opened up eyes that helped me see she needed me and needed to know I was okay with our relationship -- that I actually did that...in fact I miss my Mom when I don't speak to her or see her.
It hurts my heart that I can't do all that I was doing for her; for my Grandma... i mean ***to never check my balance because I was frugal but loved spoiling my family. Well if this was a video diary you would see tears all over my face, eyeliner running down in which I am sure makes my face - one hot mess.***leave it to me to lighten the mood change the subject or avoid saying to much of how I feel.
As I cry all by myself in the middle of the night because most nights... well most nights I can't sleep - not when I'm wondering how my Son is inside about me about us. He's my baby, I love my baby boy so much and it kills me to think he could possibly not feel it. My loves so powerful but feels so insufficient...
Dear God,
I'm so sorry for everything I"ve ever done in my life and asking you begging you praying to you, for my relationship with my Son. Don't let me die feeling as though I've meant nothing, done nothing that mattered in this world... please because ... no matter what I've done in this life nothing matters or will if my dream of being a Mother was a nightmare to my Son. I've never hurt so much in my life; I could go back and relive my awful molestations, rapes and never tell a soul if I could just get a second chance. As awful as them memories, thoughts and the pain was - I would truly bare it all for him.
I feel as though I always worry about not making someone else feel bad that i hold in my emotions. So for the first time in a very long time I am truly thankful for my gift of writing. I've truly missed writing over the passed five months and I think the only way I'm going to remain sain and release the pain in a healthy good way. I'm so use to having a place to run to and hide, run to and cry and not a single person would know it or see it... they would just see the happy me. Don't get me wrong... I'm happy and it's not a fake smile put on but deep down inside I'm hurting.
Please let me cry it out somehow someway ... I need to find that time to myself and write again, release again and get out my true deep down feelings....
Anonymously me
Random Rambles of my Pen
Do you think anyone truly cares in this life the way you do?
I find myself always doing for others and always being so meaningful and then it hurts that they don't care or they don't acknowledge or worse them not doing something you would have makes you feel like they don't give a shit.
More on this later .....
Is this tumor consuming me?
I've never been so scared in my life.
I have been through everything it seems ... at times simply on my own.
I want someone by my side.
Is it wrong to want a little sympathy?
I think that I truly am more bitter more sad more hurt that I spent so many years being so caring for others. Not the loving of the kids in the family but the oh they just got out of the hospital .... (hmm) let me take full on care of them.
It's not right for me to truly get bent out of shape but you know PEOPLE ... I am HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!! It hurts me so much to know that I let a lot of people hurt me ... that I let a lot of people change my life, my course, my feelings.
Do you know how many times I knew that I was not friends with someone that was truly "MY FRIEND" or stayed in a relationship "I knew I was HURT in"
I think of all the circles this world takes you in and I think of all the times everyone has known they could and can count on me and yet and still if I broke down on the side of the freeway, I'm sure of maybe one person I could call.
It breaks my heart to say that out loud "well type out loud" if people had any clue how hurt I am inside by their actions would they still go about these ways????????????
I have been through everything it seems ... at times simply on my own.
I want someone by my side.
Is it wrong to want a little sympathy?
I think that I truly am more bitter more sad more hurt that I spent so many years being so caring for others. Not the loving of the kids in the family but the oh they just got out of the hospital .... (hmm) let me take full on care of them.
It's not right for me to truly get bent out of shape but you know PEOPLE ... I am HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!! It hurts me so much to know that I let a lot of people hurt me ... that I let a lot of people change my life, my course, my feelings.
Do you know how many times I knew that I was not friends with someone that was truly "MY FRIEND" or stayed in a relationship "I knew I was HURT in"
I think of all the circles this world takes you in and I think of all the times everyone has known they could and can count on me and yet and still if I broke down on the side of the freeway, I'm sure of maybe one person I could call.
It breaks my heart to say that out loud "well type out loud" if people had any clue how hurt I am inside by their actions would they still go about these ways????????????
Sunday, December 2, 2012
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