WHY DO MEN GET JEALOUS? Whatever form a man's jealousy takes, the root cause is always the same: insecurity. There may even be a connection between male jealousy and infidelity, says psychologist Gladeana McMahon. 'Men aren't so sure these days about who they're supposed to be. Should they be the provider, or an equal partner? This uncertainty breeds insecurity and, in turn, jealousy. 'Some jealous men may have problems entering into a monogamous relationship because they find it too scary to commit to one person - what if it goes wrong, or she lets him down?'So these men split their emotions. They can be insanely jealous of their partner, but being unfaithful to her provides, they think, the emotional security of not putting all their relationship eggs in one basket.' _______________________________________WHAT ARE THE WARNING SIGNS?• If he grew up around infidelity. 'If he saw his parents cheating on each other, he may have grown up thinking that's what people do, and be carrying a great deal of mistrust,' says Gladeana.• If he's been cheated on. He may well be asking why he should trust you if he was so badly hurt before.• If he has a poor self-image. If he doesn't believe he's worth much, then he's always going to question why you stay with him - and whether you'll continue to.• If you're more successful or more highly paid than him. A common jealousy trigger, as it strikes at the core of every man's sense of his own status. Glance at any celebrity magazine and it's clear how the relationships between famous women and not-so-famous men have a habit of hurtling towards the rocks, usually amid tales of the man's jealous outbursts. Exhibit A: Jennifer Lopez's short-lived marriage to choreographer Cris Judd, punctuated by tales of the groom's jealous tantrums. ______________________________________Many women misread the signs when entering into a relationship with a jealous man, interpreting his possessive behavior as caring, even romantic. Others may choose to ignore the jealous outbursts, or try to anticipate or avoid the situations which spark them off. This, says Gladeana, is a major mistake. 'You must never back out of dealing with his jealousy in the hope it will go away - it won't,' she says. 'But by learning the right way to tackle it, he'll soon come to know that as soon as he starts suffering pangs, you'll always notice and won't let him get away with it.' ______________________________________HOW TO HANDLE A JEALOUS GUY1. Recognise it as a problem - both of you.2. Make a commitment. Him: that he genuinely wants to change his behavior and will work at it with your help. You: that you won't change your behavior to accommodate his. Never stop doing things to 'keep your partner happy.' He'll just find other things to get jealous about.3. Look for the reasons for the jealousy. It always comes down to an insecurity about one thing or another...but what? Perhaps his self-esteem needs building up - he may not feel, at heart, that he is loveable and his jealousy may be a way of testing this. You need to talk together about how the jealousy manifests itself and discuss how you'll deal with it when it next happens.4. Work out a 'jealousy code'. This is a sign, either a word or a gesture, agreed on and known only to you two, that either of you can use when jealousy is becoming a problem. It acts like a sort of 'time out' in difficult situations and signals for you to help each other.5. Don't pamper him. 'Changing your behavior to try and avoid jealousy is an example of pampering and never cures the problem. What does is encouraging him that he's doing well in trying to deal with it and that you recognise how difficult it is for him,' says Gladeana. Never, ever say that the jealousy is acceptable. Support him, but never collude with him.6. Get help. Jealousy is one of the most frequent problems brought to relationships counselors....
